by Charles Lee Cole

I am one of the luckiest men in the world because I am married to Anna, whom I love with all my heart, mind, body, and soul. In our 30 years of marriage we have learned to show each other how much we appreciate and accept each other. This gives us extra depth in our relationship. Each of us always knows that we are valued.

As I thought about how we express appreciation in our marriage, I was reminded of a worship service and some of the elements that we practice in our rituals of worshipping God. Four aspects of this ritual that reminded me of appreciation expressed in our marriage were acknowledgment, affirmation, adoration, and acceptance

Elements of Appreciation

Marriage is a lot like chemistry. Both are made up of basic elements. The mix of elements in a marriage is what gives us quality, meaning, and depth in our relationship. Increasing marital potential requires the right mix, often discovered through experimentation to find out what works best. In marriage, as in all human relationships, a synergistic quality is produced when we interact that creates something richer than either of us can achieve on our own. Marriage is a process that enriches our lives as individuals because of what we share and discover together in our relationship. It is a way of expanding our personal development that enhances all aspects of our lives. Some of you were lucky enough to grow up in families that were good at expressing appreciation. Some of you may have grown up in families where appreciation was rarely expressed; family members assumed that you knew you were appreciated and only expressed criticisms in a misplaced effort to make you a better person. Anna and I feel thankful for our experiences in marriage enrichment that have helped us learn to express appreciation every day.

Appreciation includes more elements than the few that I have chosen to focus on. I would be interested in hearing from you about what elements of appreciation you have discovered in your marriage, and hearing stories of how you express appreciation to each other.

Acknowledgment

All of us have a need to feel we are appreciated for what we do. The first step each of us can take in expressing our appreciation to our partner is to acknowledge the things he or she does. Anna and I consciously try to notice the little things as well as the big things that each of us does. Expressing appreciation for the little things cumulatively builds a rock solid foundation. Receiving acknowledgment helps each of us grow as individuals, and sometimes, just survive the daily hassles of hectic schedules, deadlines, and responsibilities in the various aspects of our lives. I often will call Anna before I leave work and ask if there are any errands that I can run before I leave town and head to our home in the country.

Anna lets me know she appreciates my taking responsibility for sharing the daily chores of living by saying “thank you,” her tone of voice, endearing glances, and soft touch. We use “thank you” and “please,” and whenever we notice a job well done, we express our appreciation. When Anna does things to make my life easier such as helping with tasks I am working on, cutting my hair, or massaging my feet at the end of a hard day, I make certain she knows how deeply I appreciate her contributions to make my life better. These verbal and nonverbal expressions of appreciation to each other lifts us up and gives us the energy to enjoy life and our relationship.

Affirmation

The process of letting each other know how important we are to each other is a ritual that Anna and I have learned in our marriage. Letting each other know how important we are to each other and how much we value the marriage is an affirmation of our commitment and connection to each other. Anna and I hold each other and reaffirm our commitment to each other and are working on our marriage every time we let the other one know how much they mean to us and how lucky we are to have each other. Saying and doing what you believe is one way of letting your partner know how much you treasure and love them.

Anna and I have a habit of affirming each other often by saying things like “have I told you lately that I love you” or “I don’t tell you enough how much I deeply appreciate all the things you do,” or “you are a very special person.” We try to be specific in our affirmations so the words don’t become a hollow cliché.

Affirmations are important in building and supporting each other’s sense of self-esteem. Affirming your spouse is a way of validating who they are. When we affirm each other, we kindle the depths of the soul of our marriage.

Adoration

I truly adore my wife, and I know that Anna adores me. Adoring glances light my soul with warmth and let me know I am loved. Praising each other for the qualities and attributes that make us special as individuals is crucial. I grew up in a family where we often said “I love you.” Anna did not. She tells me that she appreciates learning from me to say “I love you” often. In our busy schedules we often fail to express our adoration and simply assume, as was done in Anna’s family, that our partner knows. Taking the time to genuinely let each other know how much we admire their virtues brings joy to us and reinforces our continued individual and relationship growth.

Acceptance

A noted psychologist, the late Sidney Jourard (1963), once said that the quest to be known and accepted by someone who loves you unconditionally propels us to want to share our lives together in marriage. The founders of the marriage enrichment movement and A.C.M.E., David and Vera Mace, echoed this theme in their classic books. The Maces remind us that the essence of marriage is to be fully known and fully loved.

“The very core of marital intimacy is full knowledge of each other resulting from honesty and openness which characterize the relationship. And from this full knowledge spring complete trust and a sense of deep security and confidence in the invulnerability of the relationship” (David and Vera Mace, 1974, p.83).

Becoming known by your partner builds a basis for acceptance. Learning to accept each other as we are, rather than trying to change the other, is a difficult struggle and adjustment for most couples. Accepting each other as we are is a vital part of expressing appreciation in a marriage. Neither Anna nor I are perfect in any way; the limitations and human flaws in each of us can sometimes be a source of irritation to the other. Part of being married is learning to accept each other as we are. Then, surprise! Over time we actually appreciate the differences and see the benefits they bring to us as individuals and as partners.

Anna and I are both firstborn children with strong-willed independence coursing through our veins. This sometimes leads to a clash of wills between us. We believe that learning skills in how to effectively deal with differences and anger early in our marriage was the key that helped us achieve the deep acceptance of each other that we enjoy today. When we experience a clash of wills or irritating annoyances, we often joke with each other and say something like, “I’m really glad I married you because no one else would put up with me!” This expression of appreciation often breaks the tension and helps us bring things into perspective so that the issue we are momentarily at odds over does not rob us of the love we feel for each other.

Conclusions

Appreciation is a vital component for marital growth. We need to take every opportunity to let our most significant other, the person we have chosen to marry and spend the rest of our lives with, know just how much we really care and how vitally important their happiness and welfare is to us. We all need to feel valued, appreciated, and accepted for who we are. You can expand your marital potential by finding new ways to be more thoughtful, considerate, and loving in your daily interactions together as husband and wife. Simply acknowledging the little things, affirming the qualities you admire, adoringly expressing your love for each other, and accepting each other totally begins a deeper level of relationship. As the Maces taught us, we can become fully known and fully loved.

References

Mace, David & Vera, (1974). We can have better marriages if we really want them. Nashville, Abingdon Press.

Jourard, Sidney M. (1963). Personal adjustment: An approach through the study of healthy personality. New York: The Macmillan Company

Biographical Information

Dr. Charles Lee Cole is a Professor and the Hanna Spyker Endowed Chair in Marriage and Family therapy at the University of Louisiana at Monroe. He is a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, and with his wife, Anna, he is an A.C.M.E. Certified Leader Couple in Marriage Enrichment. The Coles have been active members of A.C.M.E. since 1974. Dr. Cole is currently engaged in a number of research projects related to marriage enrichment.